Category: News

Montgomery, AL – A newly-drawn congressional map of Alabama somehow places the city of Birmingham, which is majority-black, in New Jersey. While objections were raised, the map was quickly passed by the both majority-Republican branches of the state legislature and signed into law by Governor Kay Ivey.

“This is a glorious day for Alabamans,” Gov. Ivey said after the signing. “Mainly those who are white and Republican.”

When asked about whether she regretted essentially losing a major Alabama city to New Jersey, Ivey said, “Birmingham? What’s that? I never heard of Birmingham, Alabama. Now, Birmingham, New Jersey, I know well. Wonderful city. The pride of New Jersey, some say.”

Amid protests by citizens and Democratic lawmakers alike, the legislature approved the new map on a party-line vote. One Republican who spoke on condition of anonymity said the changes weren’t about race, though they were totally about race.

“This isn’t about race or disenfranchising black Alabamans,” he said. “Not at all. This is about retaining power for the Republican party in Alabama, ensuring that they continue to drive the policies that work for Alabama. Also, it’s totally about race. 100%. No doubt about it.”

Washington – The U.S. State Department announced an initiative Sunday that would see President Trump’s likeness stamped onto the face of every U.S. citizen. The program is intended to coincide with the upcoming “America 250” celebration, which will also feature a tasteful UFC fight on the lawn of the White House.

“We can think of no better way to honor our country’s independence than having the image of the country’s greatest president stamped on each citizen without their consent,” said a statement released by the State Department. “Each American should be thrilled to be donning the likeness of their leader, who is not a king, but might as well be a king and is for all intents and purposes, a king.”

The initiative will roll out in batches, with volunteers being the first to get stamped with Trump’s likeness, a small stamp on either one of their cheeks. The photo used will most likely be the same on featured on commemorative passports with Trump’s image that are also being released by the State Department.

Citizens who were informed of the initiative had mixed feelings. George Griffin of Sioux Falls, Idaho, was thrilled.

“I love Trump,” he said. “I’d wear his skin if I could. Over mine, I mean. So, two layers of skin, I guess. Might get a little hot, but it’s worth it. Although, I guess that means he’d be dead, if I had his skin. So, maybe I should backtrack here. Give me a minute.”

Others were less sure.

“On the one hand, I’m proud to support my country and especially its independence,” said Nancy Cochrane of Glendale, California. “On the other hand, ew.”

Daniel Dinkins of Montclair, New Jersey, was more direct. “Aw, man,” he said, “I have to see this guy all the time on TV and all over the internet, and now I’m going to see him on my own face when I look in the mirror? It’s too much! Get him off my face!”